On Faith, Fear & Astrology

Just because you believe it, doesn't make it true. Right?

ON THE STREET

A few weeks ago, I was deciding what to write about for this substack. Undoubtedly, I became stalled by the holidays. But at this particular moment, I was walking around Market Street in San Francisco, taking note of all the strangers around me. My reflective mood was onset by a text message conversation had earlier in the week with a person I have known for quite some time. A person who appeared happy to remain a mystery, even to themselves. I could not, and cannot relate.

This exchange had me thinking- what does it mean when we choose to remain a stranger to our own self?

THE TABLE AT FLORIO

I was micro-dosing on mushrooms and knee deep in my Florio martini when the person across the table from me spoke unprompted about the very topic I had been reflecting on.

Something to the effect of, “everything we tell ourselves is a narrative, none of it can be trusted as truth.” We create narratives out of fear. Or better yet, out of survival, protection or grief. On and on and on we go, telling ourselves these stories over and over and over again until they become the very pillars of our existence. “I’m this way because….” You can fill in the rest.

I work in corporate America. Of course I believe in the power of narratives. But what about the power of honesty and self reflection? Surely we are capable of that as well? This is at the heart of the philosophical dinner debate.

Is it possible to see the truth about ourselves when we could have a narrative instead? A way out. An escape hatch that we can deploy at any time instead of taking accountability for who we are or who we are becoming. “I’m this way because…” You can fill in the rest.

FORCED PSYCHEDELIC FREEDOM

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror while on psychedelics? It’s a truly strange experience. Here is this individual who is supposedly you, whoever that is, staring back from the mirror. The psychedelic bathroom experience reveals a profound inner dialogue. You’re just a human in the middle of life’s experiment. And what the fuck is that anyway?

An opportunity to see yourself and the world without all the self-inflicted stories. The freedom to exist in the present. The delight to be you- whoever you are in all your glory and mess and however you want honestly. A resounding and self assured truth that you don’t have to carry that baggage with you anymore. Go ahead and put it all down. You don’t need it after all. Look at your grief and love yourself for all you’ve been through. That’s the freedom of the psychedelic experience.

I don’t know what kind of person I would be today if I had never done psychedelics. Perhaps a prisoner to my own trauma. It’s not to say that the maintenance of seeing behind the veil is easy though. Once you see beyond material reality it’s hard to accept going back to any narratives even after the afterglow wears off. And if you don’t stay true there’s an undeniable inner judgement that I have seen take hold. How could you forget?

FEAR

Fear is a horrible thing for the most part. There are no doubt places here and there where we can argue that having a “healthy fear” of certain things keeps one alive. But alternatively, fear can also keep you from living. How many opportunities have you let pass you by for fear of x, y, z? Do you regret those moments now?

Here’s a personal story I have literally never told anyone in my life about, until now.

In 2011 I traveled by train from Philadelphia PA to Berkeley CA to spend the summer. I was 20 years old and about to turn 21. The first part of the journey was anti-climactic, even droll. As an East Coast native, I’m disappointed to say that the eastern seaboard leaves much to be desired while winding through temperate forest landscape, behind people’s houses and pulling over to let the freight trains have right of way since they own the railways now. But once I got to Chicago to board the California Zephyr, everything changed.

We left Chicago for America’s Heartland racing across the flatlands of Iowa and Nebraska. Reaching Eastern Colorado with nothing but the Rockies rising before us the train became a social club. There was no shortage of compelling individuals interested in getting to know you especially in the club car lounge complete with Vista Dome windows.

Somewhere along the way I made friends with two guys each of whom were traveling alone. One guy was Lakota. My memory is not perfect, but I want to say his name was Standing Elk. He was on his way to a sweat lodge and sacred celebration in Sacramento.

At this exact moment I don’t have the journal I had with me on that trip so I can’t recall the name of the second guy for this story but I will never forget him.

He had mischief and electricity behind his eyes and a magnetic personality. He seemed pretty blue collar judging by the fact he worked in quarries with dynamite. If I had to guess now, I would imagine he was in his late twenties or early thirties.

The three of us spoke late into the night about life and everything in it. I was having an incredible time. We were fast friends, comfortable chatting and laughing about everything. When I look back on this night now I can’t help but feel as if I was in the presence of Loki himself, and Loki was unbothered, unburdened and unafraid. Loki lived free.

Standing Elk and “Loki” told me they felt that I was on some journey of self discovery and that this was going to be a summer I learned much about myself. I didn’t know it at the time, but they were absolutely correct. That summer changed my life and my life’s trajectory forever. It is still my most incredible summer on record.

Before the night expired there was a moment where “Loki” and I were alone. His eyes were shining bright and he was grinning. He paused a moment, looked at me and then asked, “can I kiss you?” It was weird because I didn’t know him at all really, but in the presence of this complete stranger somehow I felt totally comfortable and I felt the chemistry too.

Internally I was disappointed that I still had a boyfriend because truthfully, I wanted to say yes. But instead- I said no, some part out of fear and some part out of responsibility to my dying relationship and loyalty which was undeserved. He accepted my no and the night carried on. Now the middle of the night- we needed to return to our seats at the request of the operators. Before we parted, he said he had just one more thing he wanted to tell me. I waited. He said, “remember never to let fear control your life.”

The next morning he departed the train. Looking back once more knowing everything I know now about boundaries I have a lot of respect that he asked for consent for the kiss. I feel as readers we are often preparing ourselves for the dark turn of this story and I am happy to say this time- there isn’t one.

Still I think of that trip often and the way in the end I felt he could smell my fear. The fear of the unknown. The fear of taking the risk to say yes to a kiss from a stranger even when all energy compelled you towards it. I still fight that same fear from time to time but I have gotten braver. I have not allowed as many moments to slip through my fingers as before. What is life except a collection of unbelievable stories you might get to tell someone someday?

INTERROGATION

If I asked you right now about who, what and how you are- you’d likely rattle off the same rehearsed, nicely packaged summary you have come to decide defines you. But how did you decide on that summary?

Is it made up of things your friends and family told you? Or maybe it represents the person you aspire to be. Is it the 30 second elevator pitch? The two line summary on your resume? Does it even align with what other people think of you? Do you even know what other people think of you? Do you care?

Stop for a moment and consider yourself. Are you actually generous? Are you actually funny? Are you secure and confident in yourself? Or is it all a projection? An expectation from the world and peers around you that you try desperately to parrot and mirror back in order to experience acceptance and the validation you crave. If you lie about who you are and the problems you have do you even realize that you’re lying?

These are the truly important questions, because if you don’t stop to consider them every now and then you might find yourself living out the famous lyrics of that Talking Heads song. “This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. My God, what have I done?!”

Personally, I find that is probably the absolute most terrifying thing that can happen to any person. To wake up in your life one day and realize it’s not the one you wanted. Then what…

FAITH

Faith is a funny thing these days. Some people have too much of it. Other people don’t have enough. In this modern era, it unfortunately appears we’ve learned to weaponize it. Maybe that’s why some people don’t trust themselves or allow themselves to have even the tiniest shred of faith. Because if they did, they might become someone else’s tool in an agenda against… whatever. In that case, are they admitting they have no faith in their own self? No faith in their own ability to think for themselves? No faith in their ability to protect their own mind?

It’s a truly dangerous world we live in, but I see so many people without faith. Faith in ideas, Faith in love, Faith in friends, institutions, whatever. Of course discernment matters. Skepticism can be healthy. But to have absolutely zero belief in any thing or any one person around you? That feels dangerously isolationist. And it makes me ask the question- what has life done to you to put you on that way?

Faith has taken a beating throughout humanity and when you study history you can certainly understand why. Colonialism, Imperialism, Capitalism- they don’t leave much room for Faith. Even Religion put Faith in a chokehold, securing Faith through punishment instead of inspiration and trust. Religion tends to involve faith, but Faith doesn’t have to involve Religion and there’s something endlessly curious about that. It’s almost as if Religion was never about Faith at all. But that’s too big of a discussion for right now.

WHITE PEOPLE

I feel like there could be a study on race vs. faith intersection. And where would that leave white people? I’m not talking about Religion like I said- I am speaking about Faith. The deep inner knowing that comes from your heart and guides you intuitively to make choices. Do white people have that? Do they just not know how to access it?

Honestly, I am not sure. But I do see a pattern between Whiteness and lack of faith and I think that’s pretty interesting. There is something inherent in our inability to trust. To have faith. Is that the root of of our oppressive natures? Others trust and we do not. And we do not trust because we have ourselves held the tool of oppression? We deem our own selves and those around us as untrustworthy? Where’s the catch? You won’t get me…

It’s getting a bit too heavy in this substack and I don’t have the patience today to unpack all that so let’s save the academia of it all again for a future date. My only goal right now is to make you reflective. To have you ponder these thoughts yourself.

AMERICAN GODS

I recently had the pleasure of meeting Neil Gaiman through a mysterious set of circumstances and trials while on vacation in the Hotel Chelsea this past Christmas. I’m not sure why it happened but if you know me, you know American Gods is about the only book I’ve talked about since 2019.

I love American Gods so much because I felt like somehow Neil Gaiman got to the heart of this idea. The particularly American loss of Faith. And I’ve thought about it a lot as it relates to America and the type of country we decided to become. It’s as if we lost all faith during our assimilation into American culture. We didn’t want to be Irish, Italian or Polish. We wanted to be American. So we cast aside our individual and cultural faiths. We cast aside the history and trust in our peoples to claim America instead.

I say it’s mostly white people or at least Whiteness because I don’t see this same results in other cultures who immigrated to America, but kept their cultural ties. They still have faith in their spiritual ecosystems- ancient and historical. They are still tethered to the heart center of humanity and what it means to feel. To trust. To believe that “whatever” is possible or that what is meant to be will come. They remain open to the messages of the Universe and they recognize said messages as such!

It’s as if we (Americans) abdicated our soul connections to this very planet we are born of for some kind of synthetic safety instead of the rawness of lived experience.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. Or if it’s working. I look around and I see a lot to be desired in this capitalist experiment of ours. Even powerful people are miserable in their hearts. For some reason I get to see this more than most people, but I can certainly say based on what I have witnessed that materialism is only good for so much. More on that in a future substack.

ASTROLOGY

In the end, I usually find myself speaking to objection regarding Astrology. In the end I just shrug. Astrology is not for everyone- which is less about Astrology, and more about people themselves. But it’s also about Patriarchy. Large swaths of Americans always want proof. They rarely have faith. Faith is too “feminine” for them. Too weak. Too subjective. Or so we have been convinced.

As if all of us out here in this universe floating on a giant blue and green space rock with the perfect distance from a heat source is somehow not the ultimate act of Faith.

You have an appointment next week. You’re worried about making money. How in the heck do you even know there is a next week on this delicate little space rock? We could go at any time. That rarely gets questioned because existentialist thoughts are not very efficient or profitable.

It’s a shame that pop/ pseudo-astrology and Christianity have each bastardized Astrology in their own ways. Most people I speak to on a regular basis have zero idea that Astrology is an ancient art and academic occult practice that has been around for hundreds and thousands of years. If it ain’t Daddy Science, it ain’t real, am I right? That’s Patriarchal. That’s Oppression. That’s lacking faith in centuries of the human experience. Just saying… think about it.

Who wins when mystical druidic moon-worshippers or alchemists are delegitimized? Colonization, Imperialism, Capitalism keep you hidden from yourself and your own internal resources. They cause you to seek externalization. Leave your body. Give your body over. Sacrifice your precious precious time. Project, project, project. We have what you need… just one more thing.

ANYWAY

I get that sitting across from someone who is about to witness your whole entire soul and structure is intimidating. And yet I ask- is it not worth it to be brave in order to truly witness yourself? To look into that celestial mirror and find familiarity staring back at you? I’m just asking for a friend.

Maybe just give it a try sometime. See what happens. Take a leap of faith. Besides, isn’t faith at the heart of discovering reality? The trust that exploration will yield results?

UNTIL NEXT TIME

Thanks for joining me on this mental meandering. Wishing you a faithful 2024.